10 statements to help you decide if collaborative is right for you:1. I know that I will be better served in the long run if my spouse and children are also well served. I want my children to be in the center rather than in the middle.2. I want to speak and act from my best self, even though sometimes my words and actions seem to come from my worst self. 3. I want my lawyer to be a wise counselor and an engaged moral agent rather than a hired gun and an alter ego. 4. I am willing to be in the same room with my spouse and to speak for myself and my own legitimate self-interest with the assistance of one or more collaborative professionals. 5. I am open to solutions that will respect both my and my spouse's needs and interests. 6. I want to make decisions affecting the future of myself and my family from a place of calm, considered wisdom, rather than from a place of anger, humiliation and fear - even though I may be experiencing those hard feelings, now, and during the process of the divorce. 7. If it were possible, I would prefer a deeper resolution rather than a shallow peace. 8. I know that at times things may feel hard and uncomfortable, but I am willing to be with that discomfort and to persevere through the process. 9. I want to act ethically for myself, for my spouse and for the sake of my children. 10.After the divorce is completed, I want to be able to look back and feel good about the outcome and how I handled myself during the process. ©
2008, Nancy J. Foster, J. D., All Rights
Reserved. May be reproduced with attribution Tips for ParentsA special article written for parents considering the collaborative process can be downloaded here. Adobe Reader is required to view this document. |
Tips on children and divorce-Robert Nohr, Ph.D.As mental health professionals,
we walk with many children, adults, and families
as they experience the significant changes brought
about by divorce. Part of our mission is to share
the best information from research and experience
to help strengthen families during a difficult
time. When family members go through a divorce, it
is a stressful time for all concerned, and a time
of grieving. While we often read about the most
spectacularly bitter “celebrity” divorces, the
truth is that behind the scenes most families are
seeking to move forward in a healthy way and
provide their kids with the love and support they
need to be successful in the long run. It turns
out that the way the divorce unfolds is a bigger
predictor of how children are affected than the
mere fact of the divorce itself. Below are some key factors to keep in mind when going through a divorce: 1. The
same boundaries between parent and child that were
healthy in marriage are healthy in divorce. When a
parent is going through a difficult time, it can
be tempting to over-rely on children for emotional
support, or even validation. Perhaps the most
harmful form of this “parentification” occurs when
children are caught in the middle of the divorce
story. One parent may want to make it clear to the
children that he or she is not responsible for the
divorce by telling their story — “You know, I
wanted to go to marriage counseling.” The other
parent responds by listing the faults of the first
parent --- “Did you know he had an affair 5 years
ago?” In truth, two spouses rarely come to
consensus on the story of their relationship at
the time of divorce — so how can we expect kids,
who need a relationship with both parents, to
mediate and integrate the story? Your story is
valid, and you can use a therapist or a trusted
friend to process all your feeling about your
history, not the kids. A better option: Tell the
kids the general fact of the divorce occurring
with a lot of reassurance about how their needs
will come first. As they grow older and understand
the complexities of relationships themselves,
they’ll thank you for not making them take sides.
2. Don’t
fight in front of the kids. When the troops see
the generals fighting it out about how to proceed,
they lose confidence in the whole team and feel
very insecure. Work to resolve issues with your ex
in a context that is respectful, private, and
adult-like. Overt conflict between parents is the
number one predictor of negative emotional
outcomes for children following divorce. The good
news is that most parents do come to peace for the
sake of their kids. But the concern is that one
study found that 25% of divorced couples were
still in at least “substantial” conflict three
years post-divorce. That statistic represents a
great deal of needless suffering for many children
in Wisconsin. 3. Stay
in the picture. One long-term study included kids
from Wisconsin (see Constance Ahrons, We’re Still
Family) and found that when adult children looked
back, they were most satisfied if both parents had
“hung in there” and stayed involved in the kids’
lives. Children liked it when both parents came to
their soccer games, showed interest in their
schoolwork. There are many different placement
schedules that can bring about substantial and
meaningful times with both parents, but don’t drop
out yourself or try to drive out the other parent.
As someone once said, “The best parent is both
parents.” 4. Keep
parenting. Understandably, when adults are going
through a difficult change, they can become
overtaxed and lose focus on the parenting role.
The kids will not be comforted if you stop holding
them accountable to the same rules and
expectations as you always have — whether done out
of guilt, or fatigue. Rather, they will be
comforted to know the big people are still strong
enough to remain in charge and consistent over
this time. Other forms of stability that can be
helpful, if feasible, are to keep the kids
connected to friends, neighborhoods, or schools
that are familiar.
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